This Just In; Anonymous Blogger Discloses Latest Prison Happenings

Editor’s note;

The following is from Kemosabe, who chooses to remain anonymous, and claims that the following was published in the National Enquirer this morning.

President Obama announced today that he has resolved the problem of moving the approximately 5,000 Gitmo detainees from Guantanamo Bay to a US prison. In a joint press statement with Mayor Georgia Lord of Goodyear, Arizona, Georgia and Obama announced that a new facility was in the process of being approved in the western Phoenix suburb of Goodyear, AZ.

According to Mayor Georgia, “we have a tremendous location, we have a very accepting community, and we have a huge debt burden in our city that I need to take care of so that I can continue overspending on new capital projects and keep my public union, developers, and city employee supporters happy.  Rest assured and you can be certain that I have received no benefits from this deal and myself and my fellow council members are always listening to and want to hear from Goodyear’s residents on everything we do.”

Obama seemed extremely pleased to have this issue off his desk for a mere $300 million dollars which is how much the federal government has agreed to pay Goodyear to take all of the Gitmo prisoners.  Mayor Georgia said that the $300 million (which is about equal to Goodyear’s current overwhelming city debt) was originally planned to be used to pay off that debt during negotiations with the government but now that the deal has been struck Georgia and the rest of her tax and spend council members have decided that they might need the money in order to buy more votes after the deal gets public so they will delay any decisions on where the money will be spent until after Goodyear city council completes its next off site retreat.  The retreat is scheduled to be held at an unnamed posh resort on the Riviera.  Regarding criticism of the expense of the off site by a local blogger, Georgia said, “we couldn’t find anywhere more expensive than that and I deserve it!”

Goodyear Vice Mayor Joanne (Yippee) Osborne added that the name of the new prison facility will be “The Lord’s Penitentiary” in honor of mayor Georgia. Osborne also threw in a plug about Osborne Jewelry’s new store which will be located at the visitor’s center of the facility where in an agreement with GEO Inc., each visiting oil sheik to the facility will be required to spend not less than $150,000 per wife.

In other news surrounding the new prison;

The law firm of Bain and Lauritano of Glendale, AZ has announced a 50 year exclusive agreement to represent all future Gitmo detainees. According to the firm, they could only get new detainees since most of the existing ones already had representation and they were accused of blackmail by several of the current legal teams due to B&L’s threat to derail the prison deal if B&L did not get what they wanted.  Obama had to step in to say that even in Chicago, B&L’s desired terms would not fly.

Goodyear City Manager John Fischbach, who we are told has left on a 3 month around the world vacation awarded to him by Gary (vacations don’t cost anything) Gelzer announced in a written statement for the press that his Goodyear Ball Park operations director would have details soon of the new year-round minor league  baseball season that will begin at the Goodyear Ball Park as soon as the prison is complete and the detainees are available for games.  Fischbach said in his statement that he expects to field 12 teams of prison inmates who will play ball for (he told council) a “packed” stadium. Goodyear city council did not question any of Fishbach’s attendence claims.  Fischbach said with the influx of rich middle eastern visitors that he expects to see in Goodyear for the new league’s games, the nearly 10% sales tax on items sold in Goodyear might be raised since “those people” have lots of money.

GEO Group, Inc. has announced that former Goodyear councilman Joe Pizzillo has accepted the $150,000 per year job of , “Honorary Warden” of the new  The Lord’s Penitentiary prison.  Pizzillo will not be required to do anything and will receive lifetime free tickets to all Goodyear ball park baseball games including the new Gitmo league games when they start.

In related news, the six new fire stations that are under construction in the western part of Goodyear are only over budget by about $3.2 million dollars each according to project manager and CEO of Fire Services Corp. Bill Stipp.  As you may recall, Fire Services signed a multi year deal to manage all of Goodyear’s fire department services at an increased cost to the city of more than $1.6 mil per firefighter.  That is because each current firefighter was awarded a full retirement (just like Stipp’s) and golf membership at Pebble Creek Golf Club as part of the prison deal.  Stipp said that “by law” he was not able to give any more details.

Wally Campbell was not available for comment.  In a written statement she said she still had not been given details of any of the prison arrangements by any of the other council people.


2 Responses

  1. What is really sad that while even though kemosabe’s post is intended as satire you could see that bunch trying to pull it off!

  2. In satire lies truth.

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